Tuesday, May 18, 2010

'A petal falls' it's my second real poem posted, please critic it?

A sudden flush

regains my body

a gentle blush

keeps me steady

A closed in pearl

as white as Heaven

the softest purr

passes like a raven

As I start to pass

with feet bare

I let it pass

never let me scare

A petal falls

the world shakes

it's a little crystal ball

my hand despairingly fakes

'A petal falls' it's my second real poem posted, please critic it?
Very mechanical. The frame is there and full of words - but it doesn't elicit any thought or feeling. No "gut" reaction. No pictures painted in the mind. Just words, nicely rhymed, hanging in a poetic frame.
Reply:Your work shows promise! Never give up sharing your writing with the rest of the world.

Write On!

The Ol' Sasquatch Ü
Reply:the softest purr

passes like a raven

Huh? Aren't ravens black? Don't only cats purr?
Reply:Reads more like a convoluted haiku. More stanza's and words than you need. And the word you are looking for is not 'critic' this poem it is 'critique' this poem. Sorry, I read alot and when people ask a serious question and don't spell the words right in their questions it bugs me some. Don't mind me, keep writing your poetry it still sound wonderful.
Reply:heh you are right. you think too profound for a 15 year old. and this is coming from a 13 year old too -_-

but besides that i love it.
Reply:I wouldn't use "despairingly fakes." That makes no sense and sounds like you are striving for a rhyme.

The rest of the language use is good except for "regains my body." It also sounds really contrived.

Good luck
Reply:I do not like poetry but I read it through and you have a gift-keep developing it.
Reply:nicely written...

good luck...
Reply:It is a nice poem...Keep up the good work.
Reply:love it. you rock girl. your totally into it. i like to write poems myself. great descriptive language. awesome. thats all i can say.
Reply:I like it..... but what do you mean by the last line?
Reply:Im no professional but have writtten poetry and songs for fun for the last 6 years and I think it's great --one of the deepest tpoems Ive read from someone else(who also isnt published im guessing) - i wouldnt change anything...good luck hope things go well with your writing
Reply:Not bad = the flow is pretty nice. One thing I would suggest - actually two. One is you overused the word pass. Keep thesaurus.com in an open window when you write and try to find alternate words. Secondly the image of the softest purr passing like a raven. I dont see a raven as a soft purr, I see it as a big angry scavenger bird. I dont think the image works there for you. Maybe a dove instead? One syllable - dove fits better anyway. But it is nice. C.
Reply:I cannot give constructive criticism to something I don't understand, it sounds like someone opened the washroom door while you were doing your business.

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